I have spent a nerve-racking day, trying to figure how to tackle a difficult situation. The situation is NOT of my making, and yet I have the most to lose by it. However, for the sake of everyone involved I can't talk about said situation here. All I can talk about is why I am currently so close to tears.
I am a private person. In the sense that I share my life's joys with the world - mostly anyway. I present a genuinely smiling face to everyone around me. I crack jokes, play the fool, work hard and enjoy life. But heck, that doesn't mean my life is easy - this couldn't be further away from the truth.
My life lacks stability. It lacks security. And that, my friends, is just the tip of the iceberg.
Today I listened to someone worry about his world crashing down around him - as though I have all the answers and somehow my perfect little life would rub off on him; little knowing that is the state of my life every. single. day.
Not that I didn't sympathise, but the situation was such that any help I extended to him would have looked inappropriate. And if everything was out in the open, it would have damaged my working environment severely.
The reason I am so close to tears is that there is no way I can feel 100% comfortable with the outcome. I believe in being above board always, and I have had to choose a path that I am not happy having chosen.
I am not making any sense; not even to myself. Although I sometimes wish I could hide away in a corner, and let the world pass me by. It is tiring being strong and weathering all the crap that life throws at one. And believe me, while I am grateful for the beauty in my life, there is HELLUVA lot of crap that life has seen fit to shovel into my lap.
Leave me alone already. Tired of being a cosmic punching bag.
2 comments:
pinky, you shouldn't beat yourself about being unable to help someone else. i did that once (only once!), and that day ended in a terrible disaster. we all have our lives to live, and we need to value that over everyone else's (selfish, i know, but true)
as for you being a cosmic punching bag, we all have our share of blows to take. if you're getting more than you're share, it probably means you're trying to shelter those around you. think about it, think about why you're doing it. sometimes, sheltering someone makes them unable/unwilling to solve their own problems.
if, on the other hand, you find your life has been turned topsy turvy despite you always doing what's best for *yourself*, then maybe that's the way it's meant to be. i've found my life alternates with periods of unspeakable terribleness when i wish it would just end, even if it was a painful screaming end...and times when everything seems fine (with a bit of awesomeness thrown in here and there). maybe this is your terrible period. maybe.
Yeah, you're right. I do accept this stuff pretty calmly usually, but sometimes it can get really overwhelming. The trouble is that I feel too young to advise people older than me, and yet people have this tendency to confide and ask for help all the time.
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