I’ve always been kind of, sort of flaky. Not in the important aspects of life, but more with what I want. Food, for example, is one these aspects. I will swing wildly from eating only vegetables and fruits for days on end (and loving it) to thoroughly detesting the sight of any fruit (this doesn’t apply to vegetables ‘cause I love ‘em).

The reason I am bringing this charming quality in myself is because I have just gone from an unbelievable high, right down into the depths of despair. A few posts back, I mentioned that when J brought A to my dad’s hotel it bothered me – and at the time I didn’t know why.

Now I do: I was lonely.

The last few years have brought a great deal of heartbreak for me. Breaking up with my ex last year nearly annihilated me, to the extent that I took months to stop crying myself to sleep every night. I swore off guys after I got a semblance of sanity back into my existence.

I didn’t want a relationship, because in my head boys that I loved only brought pain into my life. So I associated romance and love with pain. Lots of pain.

Then since June, God has seen fit to thrust guys into my life in one unattainable sequence. They gave me lots of confidence, no doubt, because they blatantly displayed their attraction for me. They claimed to love me. In spite of all my previous heartbreak, I felt one small kernel of my heart responding. And that was the chink in my armour that let the pain come flooding back into my life.

I am over J, without a doubt. But he was so charming, so amazing, so loving initially. He claimed to love me so much. He looked at me with blatant need. It melted the stone walls around my heart.

I was so stupid.

Because by letting down the walls, I got SO badly hurt that I still recoil from the pain of it all. The deep sense of betrayal, and the icky feeling that has somehow latched itself into my skin.

And yet on New Year’s Eve, I watched A go up to J because he was hers. And I felt a shard of pain twist itself into my heart.

I was alone.

****************************************************

Added later:

This morning I logged into Facebook from the office, and the first thing that I see is that “J is married to A”.

He comes online on chat, and pings me after a few minutes: “Are you ignoring me?”

K: “No, why would I ignore you?”

J: “I’m mad at you. You did such a good job with the introductions, that I am marrying her.”

K: “I wasn’t wrong, was I? You ARE married to her. So sayeth your FB profile.”

J: “Yeah I changed that this morning. Anyway, leave it. This is all your fault. Bye forever.”

K: “My fault??? How?”

J: <no response>

K: “Fair enough. Lots of love to you and A. Have a nice life.”