I may have mentioned before that J is still on my Facebook friend list, even though we had stopped talking in between.

Because when he called to tell me that he was ‘never going to talk’ to me again, he also asked me NOT to delete him off Facebook. Apparently that interaction doesn’t constitute ‘talking’. I left him on the list, because frankly it was easier than having to deal with the resultant tantrums if I had deleted him. And honestly? I figured phasing the dude out would work better if I did it in small increments. (He is the kind of person that would constantly call just because he knows I DON’T want to talk to him.)

Anyway, as I said before, we have moved past all that angst. We are pretty good friends now, and in fact enjoy each other’s company occasionally.

(I still get the occasional impassioned ‘I love you!’, but I’ve learnt to ignore it.)

I wondered WHY he wanted me to remain Facebook friends with him, and it dawned on me only recently. It is simply because he finds our caustic exchanges stimulating.

The git.

He posted a status a while back, and the ensuing comment war was hilarious – to the extent that people called me up to tell me it was funny. J even read back the exchange to me the next day on the phone. It WAS funny.

And subsequently, he posts statuses that are evidently goads for me to respond (as they mostly are mocking commentaries on women and their foibles). He also comments on every single one of MY status messages, in and effort to draw me into an exchange again. Here he doesn’t consider that there are OTHER people also commenting alongside him.

And all this has made me cognisant of a rather interesting trend – my friends and family all pick me to goad into these exchanges. Either it is a provocative message or wall post or sentence slyly slipped into conversation – but the fact remains that I seem to be the prime target.

The other day I wasn’t well at all, and my mother turns to me and says, with that craftily intent look on her face: “Play Literati with me. I’m sure I’d make more 7-letter words than you.”

I shrugged and said: “Yeah you probably will.”

Utter disappointment for my mom. Why? Because my response was, and I quote, ‘so thanda’.

Excuse me?? Same thing with my dad. Makes comments only to goad me into retorting.

What is wrong with my friends and family? Shouldn’t they be pleased when I give my caustic, tongue-in-cheek, silly sense of humour a break once in a while?

Note: This post is actually a continuation of the previous one. (I have this dread of writing long, boring posts that no one wants to read through.)

I thought I had some peace and quiet after the dust settled with J. I was wrong of course.

I was working till late that evening, as I had earmarked a great deal of work for the subsequent few days, and I wanted my designer to be free to handle that load. Dad was on his way to pick me up and J’s food was still sitting happily in my cabin, where he conveniently left it in the afternoon. So I rang him up and told him to come pick it up quickly.

Of course he didn’t. He said he would before a certain time, and finally I lost all patience and rang him up again, threatening to leave without handing his precious food over. So being the obliging soul he is, he came to the office.

I was waiting outside the main entrance, in view of the J-prohibition being enacted in my office, when he pulled up ahead. I get a call asking where I am, and as I didn’t immediately perceive him, I told him so.

Then I saw him. And he wasn’t alone. Uh-oh, I thought. And ‘uh-oh’ was right.

Because guess who was with him? Riiiiiiiiight.

She got off the bike and turned to me with a big smile, which was promptly extinguished the second she saw me. I handed J the plastic bag, telling him off for being unable to keep time, and using that as a pretext to gather my scattered wits.

I finally turned to her and smiled, saying (with astounding composure, I might add) “You must be A. How nice to finally meet you!”

Lies, lies, BLATANT lies. Damn the social dance we must perform.

I don’t remember the exact sequence of events, but I managed to keep my shit together, strangely enough. I was dangerously close to bursting into slightly hysterical laughter at the ridiculous situation.

J looked at her and said, “Well you wanted to meet her. Now you can fight with her.” To which A responded, “I don’t want to fight with her!”

J: “At least talk to each other.”

A: “I don’t want to! Don’t behave like you did yesterday.”

Karishma maintains discreet silence, while thinking: “HAHAHAHA!”

A, turning to me: “Yesterday he took me to meet one of his friends. He kept saying ‘talk, talk, talk’, and when I started talking to her, he says, ‘why are you revealing this?’ and ‘why are you telling her that?’”

K, not trusting herself to speak: mmmmhmmm..?!

J, giving up on A: “Well here she is. You wanted to tell her that there is nothing going on between us right?”

K, sobering up finally: “Um, not exactly. I merely wanted her to be satisfied that there is no romantic relationship between the both of us. We are really just good friends. I honestly thought it would be better coming from you.”

A: “You know who I am right?”

K, starting to crack up again: “Um, yeah. You’re A.”

A: “No, I mean you know who I AM, right?”

K, thoroughly at sea: “A?”

A: “ I am his WIFE.”

K, dawn breaking: “Ahhhh, yeah I know. But frankly, it doesn’t matter to me either way.”

A, slightly deflated: “Well I AM.”

K: “Jolly good.”

A, a little belligerent again: “Friends are all okay, but family is important too. He doesn’t tell me everything.”

K: “Look A, I really do sympathise with you, but honestly that is something you and J need to sort out between you. I am a third person, and I have no interest in being embroiled in someone else’s personal relationship. I’m sure you see that.”

A: <silence>

J: <silence>

K: “Anyway I have to leave, as my dad is waiting for me. I wish you both a very merry Christmas.”

K then proceeds to FLEE to her dad’s car before she collapses with laughter.

It has been a while since I mentioned J on the blog, and there has been a good reason – I was trying to deflect his attention into ‘friendship’ channels rather than ‘relationship’ channels.

It worked – he finally backed off, and I have some breathing space, without wondering whether the next guy I date (whenever the dude shows up in my life) is going to end up at the bottom of the ocean.

I wish I was kidding.

Anyway, J and I have become pretty good friends, and therefore a great deal of tension has eased from my life – which leaves me to enjoy some of the incidents that take place because of him, with unmitigated amusement.

On Friday last, I had invited J over to my office for lunch. He is perpetually hungry and refuses to eat on his own. Part of my ‘phasing-out’ process was to meet with him platonically, and avoid intimate situations. So lunch at the office was perfect, because hello? it was AT the office.

He shows up, and we have a nice half an hour chatting randomly, whilst having lunch. Before he leaves however, he pulls stupid faces at another dude who works in my office. Why? Because the afore-mentioned dude had the audacity to come and tell me that J was married. (And a whole lot of stuff besides, but that isn’t the point.)

I find it almost prophetic that I refer to the idiot as ‘J’ on my blog, because it could stand for JUVENILE.

Anyhow, he trots out of the building, and I get engrossed in work. Five minutes later, he calls up – hopping mad – to ask why one of my colleagues has had him banned from entering the building.

Cue astonishment.

After a series of phone calls, I find out that my fellow editor was told that he was a dangerous character, wanted by the police and known for assaulting women. In short, the same stories that dude mentioned had told me.

Sigh.

J was reacting predictably, with a lot of shouting and a whole lot of “I’m going to do this!” and “They are going to regret this!” and so on. It took me AGES to calm him down enough, so that simple logic would penetrate his head: that if he pulled stupid stunts, he was cementing the bad rumours instead of dispelling them and therefore they were justified in banning him.

After dealing with a very volatile J, I was knackered. And it was only afternoon.

I’ve had plenty to blog about, but being the sole content generator of my paper/magazine/supplement at work has exhausted all my writing vim. However today it seems to be flowing, so flow it shall.

In my last post, I think I ended with the terrifying realization that I had to talk to a bunch of kids. Seventeen young boys to be exact.

I was PETRIFIED.

Why? Because firstly, I hate public speaking. I used to be a nervous wreck when making presentations in college, and although I have newly discovered self-confidence, it hadn’t been put to the speak-in-front-a-group test. Plus, I happen to be deathly afraid of children. Don’t ask why; I just AM.

So it was a very unhappy Karishma Sundaram that trudged back to Don Bosco on the appointed day. Because of my insane work schedule, I hadn’t prepared a presentation, nor a speech, and frankly I had no clue as to how I would take the talk forward. I somewhat vaguely assumed I would wing it, because in my mind I figured I would be better able to engage my young audience than if I went prepared with a big bhaashan.

Turns out, I was right. I explained the process of creating a newspaper (information I did not know two months before this talk), and then I explained the dynamics of content creation.

Very frankly, I had no idea I knew this much about my job. While that sounds completely ridiculous, it is completely true. When I was recruited, I asked a million questions, I did copious amounts of research and I blundered through certain obstacles – but I still felt like a rank newcomer fumbling her way through work. I also thought my relatively smooth progress was largely due to intelligent parents and lucky stabs.

I was supposed to speak to the boys for about half an hour. Once I finished talking to them, I fielded their questions. After the last question finally petered out (there were A LOT of questions), I figured there was no other way to kill time. So I asked someone the time. Turns out I had been yapping away for a little more than two hours – and the passage of time hadn’t occurred to me or my audience.

I came away from the episode much calmer and more confident than I had ever felt in my life. I had managed to connect to a group of boys by just being myself, without airs and graces. I laughed alongside them, and yet I managed to retain their respect.

It was a definite turning point in my life. I will be eternally glad that my tongue ran away with me on that occasion.

Last month, something wonderful happened to me that was an epiphany in many ways. As I have been consumed with so much, I didn’t have a chance to write about it, till I remembered it again this morning.

Since I have become an editor, part of my job involves me visiting various schools to speak to the heads about the product. To use a tired and hackneyed phrase, it is edutainment and therefore the teachers are fundamental stakeholders in the process.

The school I was visiting was Don Bosco in Panaji. I had had to postpone my appointment by half an hour, because I had gotten late at the one prior to it. I was told to wait and I saw a stern-looking person striding towards the office a whole 45 minutes later.

Now I quailed a little on the inside, because let’s face it, I still haven’t gotten completely rid of my childhood traumas in school with my supervisor. (She was an unholy terror of whom I was petrified.)

However, I gritted my teeth and waited for my turn.

When I walked in, I put on my most ingratiating and placating face – which was met with an extremely disapproving one. *sigh*

Forget it, I thought, I might as well be myself. So I smiled genuinely, and apologised for being late. Decided that fear was really not the answer to anything, and was rewarded with a big grin.

I sold my spiel to the father, and although he wasn’t too impression with my company, he was highly impressed with ME. (He actually SAID those words, I’m not making this up.)

The long and the short of it was that he invited me back to the school to speak to his magazine committee comprised solely of school children. And he was such an amazing person, I found myself saying ‘yes’.

It was only when I left Don Bosco that I realised, holy hell! I had to talk to a group of kids. Directly! Without the newspaper as a medium! Children! By gum!

(Did I just say ‘by gum’?? Moving quickly along..)

I was terrified. What had I gotten myself into with my uncontrollable, mind-of-its-own tongue?

Dear God,

Let me start by saying I love you. Because I really do. You are a wonderful part of my life, and I would never change that. I suppose I think of you (in your Shirdi Baba form at least) as my personal property, much like I think of my parents. I love that I can talk to you at any time of the day, and that whenever I have a niggling instinct in my head, I know that's you guiding me through life's shoals.

Now that I've got the good news out of the way, can I please be really really mad at you for putting me through what you have recently?

Multiple bad relationships in the past were evidently not enough. I have been dragged over hot coals by my mother countless times because of the way I let my relationships rule my life. So when I broke up with the ex last year, I practically swore off guys permanently. I wasn't ready for romantic involvement. And yet you sent me A.

A created a very pleasant turmoil in my life, leading me to believe that he had feelings for me. Which was nice considering I was far from svelte at the time. However A had (and still has) a fiancee. He led me to believe he wasn't happy in that relationship, but it was (and still is) going strong, so I'm glad I didn't get further involved.

I thought the association with A was bad enough, even though we never met outside his restaurant. It messed with my head big time. Thanks for that. (Sarcasm.)

I get a job, which I love and my life is going swimmingly. I made a new friend in Goa, and my cup runneth over. Yet you still sent J into my ordered existence. And I know why - I'm coming to that.

J was charming and intelligent, and swept me completely off my feet. I became starry-eyed with romance, because let's face it, I had major trust issues earlier. Mom managed to chisel off that hard layer so now I was vulnerable and trusting as before. Like a wide-eyed puppy. So I got swept away. I am not going to reiterate the mess that my life has become lately, because you can read the previous posts for that.

I know why J came into my life. It was for HIS sake, not mine. It was the first time he had come into contact with wholesomeness. Please don't think I am giving myself airs. I know my (and my family's) lifestyle is wholesome - because frankly, I figure you wouldn't tolerate anything less. So yeah, you brought him into my life for him. But what about me? Not fair.

I once asked for excitement in my life, because it had become dull. But I was very specific about it being the 'good' kind of excitement. Which translated to NO STRESS. What has happened in the last month has not only caused me great stress, but has also strained my sanity to breaking point.

I am not looking for a relationship, nor excitement. I love my family and job, and I am happy with the one good friend I have in Goa. I am not afraid of consequences because a)I am wholly innocent and b)I know you are there to protect me and my folks (because repercussions would wound them too).

Could you please let up for a while at least? I am really tired now.

Thanks,

Ever yours,

Karishma Sundaram

Trust is a weird concept. In this day and age, suspicion until proven innocence seems like the logical and sensible course to pursue.

Yet, how can there be love without trust?

I am a major sap when it comes to my relationships. I trust the people I care about NOT to lie to me. It isn't such a leap of faith really, because I tend to be very open in my relationships. For crying out loud, Googling me will lay open my life story as it actually has taken place.

I have closure from my latest 'relationship' (read previous post), therefore what happened today, didn't really create too much negative energy.

Today I spoke to another one of J's friends. (Never mind how this transpired, explaining the process is well beyond coherence.) Turns out he IS actually married. My reaction? Yeah, so what else is new?

No, insists the fellow, he really REALLY is married. I believe you, I say. That's one of the reasons I broke up with him.

B: "Oh. You broke up with him?"

Me: "Yup. A while ago. It's just taken me a while to get him to understand that. "

B: "Oh." *sounding positively deflated*

Me: "So what did you want to talk to me about?"

B: "Well, I was a witness at his marriage, and I thought you were still dating him without realising he was married. I called to warn you because I thought you didn't know you see. He has screwed up with my life, so now I am going to screw up his life. I was going to click pictures of you two together and submit them in court."

Me: "Wow. Yeah B, I didn't know he was married when I started seeing him. When I found out, I broke up with him. Then he swore blind and got the person who told me to retract his statement that he wasn't. So honestly, I haven't the faintest clue what mess this guy has gotten me into, so if you don't mind keep me well out of it."

B: "Yeah yeah. I'm a good guy with a mother and sister, so I know what women are like. So I called to warn you."

Me: "In that case, thank you. I have no interest in wrecking anyone's anything. Least of all someone's marriage. Totally innocent victim here."

*yeesh, I can't believe I actually said that - however bleeding true it is. I have NO control over my tongue.*

B: "Yeah okay, don't worry. I'm going to screw his happiness."

Me: "Okay. Good luck with that."

Now how will I EVER trust ANYONE ever again, after this episode?

I think anyone who has spent a few days in my company has a fairly good idea of what kind of person I am. So when I say that I cannot deal with certain qualities in my partner, I friggin' MEAN it!

I told J the first day we met that I would never consider a relationship with a smoker and heavy drinker. I guess he thought I wasn't serious, because he swore blind that he would stop and never did.

I also will not consider being in a relationship with someone who already is involved with someone else. Apparently, J was in the process of thinking of a solution to the issue. As far as I can see? That just means sitting pretty with two girls on either side.

Lastly (in J's case), I will not consider being in a relationship with anyone who doesn't operate with integrity. I don't really want to elaborate on this one, because I guess it is pretty self-explanatory.

I used to think I was a little wacko, but that opinion has been drastically altered as of this morning.

I have refrained from writing too much on the good ol’ blog about the new guy, except for the first few ranty posts. (I was overcome with frustration. Please to be excusing.)

However, although the drama has lessened, it hasn’t stopped altogether. In fact, so much has happened that great chunks of my recent life have been missing from here. I make no apologies though, because I have been way too spaced out to make the effort to blog.

As many of you may already know, I have got the cold from hell. The reason it is so much worse than all previous attacks is two-fold: one, it is accompanied by acute nausea, and second, I have to power through the blasted thing and go to work.

New Guy also has an equally bad cold, and the symptoms (including the two-fold ones mentioned before) are the same. We probably caught the cold at the same time. (Although he is behaving like a huge over-grown baby about the whole thing, but then again, all guys do that.)

So yesterday, I was out shopping with the mother (See what heartless parents I have?) and he was on his way home, so he dropped in near us to, and I quote, “see you”. I am giving this so much emphasis because well, that’s it: he literally stopped next to us for 2 minutes, said ‘hi’ and took off home. Mad, I tell you, completely barking mad.

Anyway, he reaches home, downs a few shots of brandy and instantly feels much better. What then? Oh yeah, call the girl who is crazy enough to put up with your erratic behaviour. (Please note that I refrain from calling myself his girlfriend, because I don’t think of myself as such. He on the other hand announces our ‘relationship’ to random strangers on the road.)

We spoke on the phone, and I said I would call him back later. I did, and we spoke a little more. So far so normal.

When I was getting into bed myself, after dragging myself through the trauma of a hot shower and getting dressed, I sent him a message. And I am reproducing the whole conversation below because it was really THAT insane:

Me: “Feel better soon. Thinking of you. Good night.”

J: “M drunk re.”

Me: “Then sleep sweetheart.”

At this point, it stopped being ‘J’ and the phone was used by someone else (A).

A: “M his wife here.”

(And I thought, here we go again. This time, however, I did not flip out.”

Me: “He told me he wasn’t married, and that you are his ex.”

A: “He is my husband and he will remain my hubby 4eva.”

(Cringe at SMS-speak)

Me: “In that case, I strongly suggest you get him to stop saying he loves me.”

A: “I cnt do that. He really does luv u. Now go to sleep. Or we will have a war.”

(Huh?!?!)

Me: “Look <name redacted>, I have no wish to fight with you, or be the reason you get hurt. I have told J many times that we are best off as friends. I cannot help his feelings for me.”

No reply, till morning.

A: “Wel he feels nothing bout u dat I knw. We hav no prb in out marriage. So dnt give me shit cos I knw hw many frnds he has n wat feelings he u.”

(Sigh.)

Me: “It really doesn’t matter to me whether or not you believe me. I was merely trying to mend fences. The rest is your outlook.”

(No response.)

Finally, I thought, no more drama. Boy, was I right! Because after this, the COMEDY started.

J calls up. I grinned expectantly, because I figured that this would be very funny.

J: “Are you an adult?”

Me: *double-take* “Huh? Yeah, what? Huh? Yeah, of course I am an adult!”

J: “Then what is this whole SMS conversation between you and A?”

Me: “Dude, she started talking. I merely responded.”

J: “She’s just trying to irritate you. And you are letting her.”

(Please note, not once during this entire episode did I feel irritated, or for that matter anything apart from mildly amused.)

Me: “I am not. Please read the messages and see for yourself, I have been quite mature about the whole thing.”

J: “I am not going to do any of that. Don’t get me involved in this.” *starts shouting some random incomprehensible stuff – to which I pay no attention*

Me: *start shouting equally loudly* “Shut the hell up! I am pretty sick of you and her. You both freaking deserve each other.”

J: *silence*

Me: *start laughing* “And how can you say, ‘don’t involve me’ when all this is happening because of you?”

J: “Don’t laugh at me!”

Me: *laughing even harder* “Marry her!” *gasp, gasp, splutter, splutter*

J: *sheepish silence*

Me: “I’m going now. I have work to do.”

J: “I love you.”

Me: *gasp, splutter*

Now, you would think that that’s it. Right? WRONG!

Half an hour later, I was watering the plants on the terrace and the phone rings. It is A. Shaking my head at my evident masochism, I answer.

A: “Hi Karishma!! How are you? This is A.”

Me: *controlling laughter with iron hand* “Good morning, A. What can I do for you?”

A: “I have some products which you might be interested in.”

Me: “Oh? What kind of products?”

The conversation goes on for FIFTEEN minutes, where she is trying to sell me beauty and wellness products. I have no idea how I managed to stop myself from laughing out loud. There was a distinct tremor in my voice for sure. I finished speaking to her, and let out a roar of laughter. Tears rolled down my face, it was just so surreal and funny.

I called up J.

J: “Hiiiiiiii!”

(Such a suck up.)

Me: “Hi. A just called me.”

J: *instantly wary* “Oh? What did she want?”

Me: “She was making a sales call about these products.”

J: “hahahahahaha!”

Me: “My reaction precisely.”

Apparently I am a masochist. Why?

Because I know that I love to-do lists, and I have this compulsive need to tick off every last item. And that although my life is complicated and busy enough as it is, I evidently feel that the challenge factor can be increased significantly.

I sense by now you are wondering what in the hell I have done now. Well I created a profile on Day Zero Project. Day Zero Project is a website where you figure out 101 goals to complete in 1001 days.

Masochism, I assure you.

Back in college, I used to listen to a weird mix of music. I am not the adventurous sort (music-wise), so my taste was heavily influenced by boyfriends and well, just stuff I heard on the radio and liked. I wasn’t one of the people who made an effort to listen to all the latest stuff. Na-uh. Me = boring and tried and tested.

So, back in college, I used to listen to heavy metal, a la Arab ex-boyfriend when I was in UK, and also to bhajans – Marathi, thanks to mother dear, and Hindi – because of my father’s penchant for lyrics. I loved all the songs I listened to, and of course had certain moods where I wanted to listen to one particular type over the other.

As evidenced by the previous paragraph, God in all his glory played and still plays a huge part in my life.

Anyhow, now that I am all grown up (despite what my parents say), I do actually make the effort to listen to new songs. It takes all my (musical) initiative to listen to Hindi music, so English music has taken a backseat for now. Especially since my most recent ex introduced me to the wonders of hip-hop, which I now love.

After 4 paragraphs of explanation and build-up, I am finally coming to my point.. which is the new song that is on repeat morning, noon and night in my room (when I’m there of course): “Aas Paas Khuda” from the Bollywood movie Anjaana Anjaani.

In deference to the readers who are blissfully ignorant of the Hindi language, I found a translation of the lyrics on another blog. The translation is a little simplistic, in my personal opinion, because it doesn’t convey the heartfelt emotions in the song properly. It is however a literal translation, so I guess it will suffice.

My favourite lines are:

Jhuk jaaye sar jahan wahin, Milta hai rab ka raasta 
(It is only when you bow your head that you find the way to God)

Ho shaam bhi toh kya, Jab hoga andhera
Tab paayega dar mera, Uss dar pe phir hogi teri subah

(And even if evening falls, and it turns dark,
you will then see my door, and at that door, your morning will come)

Every time I listen to these words, something warm glows in my heart, and although I knew it before, I feel the love that I have for the Almighty, and that that he has for me.